How to make friends in a new country
And things I've done in NY to build my community
There are many things I can’t do (cook and occasionally my son’s math homework) but I’ve become quite good at making new friends. This wasn’t always the case but after many years of moving countries, it’s become a skill that I’ve relied on.
I’m aware that using the word ‘skill’ sounds a bit pre-meditated. Shouldn’t making friends be more natural, more organic? In an ideal world yes, but when settling in a new place, being able to build your community is one of the most important factors in having a successful move.
I’ve watched too many people move back home within the first year because they’re lonely and homesick which can lead to depression and low self-esteem.
This nearly happened to me when I moved to Japan in January 2001 to start a new teaching job. I landed in Tokyo after a 14 hour flight not knowing anyone. It was winter, dark and cold, and as I unpacked my suitcase in the ‘Gaijin House’ (an inexpensive guest house for foreigners) I thought I’d made a terrible mistake. The loneliness was so bad, it was physical - I couldn’t sleep, felt nauseous, and the only thing that got me through was reading.
When an Irish guy knocked on my door (to offer me drugs!), I was so happy to hear someone speak English. The fact that I had extremely long chat with a drug dealer shows you how desperate I was to connect with someone. (I should add that no drugs were purchased!) My experience is backed up by a recent study that showed even just a little socializing can have a huge benefit on your health and longevity.
Of course, once I started my new job and met other English teachers from the USA, Australia and England and beyond, I started to settle but I never forgot that first week where I almost jumped back on a plane to go home.
Today, thankfully, it’s much easier to connect with people who already live in your intended country via social media. In fact the first thing I did before moving to the US in 2022 is search for a British Mums New York Facebook group. I could ask questions about schooling, housing etc and even join sub groups (for example I joined the Brit Mums NY book club).
Still, it takes time and effort to build your network of friendships and connections as unfortunately, it’s unlikely to happen on its own. And if you’re an introvert, it can take even more energy.
After living in five countries, here are a few things I’ve learnt about building a community. I’ve separated it into three sections:
Where to find potential new friends
Tips on how to connect with them
Ways to maintain and develop friendships
I’ve also listed a few of the things I’ve done in the US to build my network.