How to make friends in a new country
And things I've done in NY to build my community
There are many things I can’t do (cook and occasionally my son’s math homework) but I’ve become quite good at making new friends. This wasn’t always the case but after many years of moving countries, it’s become a skill that I’ve relied on.
I’m aware that using the word ‘skill’ sounds a bit pre-meditated. Shouldn’t making friends be more natural, more organic? In an ideal world yes, but when settling in a new place, being able to build your community is one of the most important factors in having a successful move.
I’ve watched too many people move back home within the first year because they’re lonely and homesick which can lead to depression and low self-esteem.
This nearly happened to me when I moved to Japan in January 2001 to start a new teaching job. I landed in Tokyo after a 14 hour flight not knowing anyone. It was winter, dark and cold, and as I unpacked my suitcase in the ‘Gaijin House’ (an inexpensive guest house for foreigners) I thought I’d made a terrible mistake. The loneliness was so bad, it was physical - I couldn’t sleep, felt nauseous, and the only thing that got me through was reading.
When an Irish guy knocked on my door (to offer me drugs!), I was so happy to hear someone speak English. The fact that I had extremely long chat with a drug dealer shows you how desperate I was to connect with someone. (I should add that no drugs were purchased!) My experience is backed up by a recent study that showed even just a little socializing can have a huge benefit on your health and longevity.
Of course, once I started my new job and met other English teachers from the USA, Australia and England and beyond, I started to settle but I never forgot that first week where I almost jumped back on a plane to go home.
Today, thankfully, it’s much easier to connect with people who already live in your intended country via social media. In fact the first thing I did before moving to the US in 2022 is search for a British Mums New York Facebook group. I could ask questions about schooling, housing etc and even join sub groups (for example I joined the Brit Mums NY book club).
Still, it takes time and effort to build your network of friendships and connections as unfortunately, it’s unlikely to happen on its own. And if you’re an introvert, it can take even more energy.
After living in five countries, here are a few things I’ve learnt about building a community. I’ve separated it into three sections:
Where to find potential new friends
Tips on how to connect with them
Ways to maintain and develop friendships
I’ve also listed a few of the things I’ve done in the US to build my network.
Where to find new friends
Meeting people can take time and ideally, you should start building your community before you move - here a few easy ideas:
Connect with friends of friends
When I told my friends I was moving to New York, many knew people who had also moved there. They introduced me so I immediately reached out. It’s so much easier to connect with people when you have a mutual friend - it’s a great starting point for conversation and helps avoid any awkward silences.
Leverage your existing networks
Are you a member of a global organization, society or platform? The rotary club? Business Network International? The International Society of Hotel Associations? An online membership? The Writer’s Guild? If so, research what opportunities they have in your new country and sign up to an upcoming event.
Join new networks (but not too many!)
When deciding on a new network, make sure it’s something you’re interested in and can commit to. Sport clubs are a fantastic - and often regular - way to meet new people. When I started researching writing organizations in New York, I was excited by how many opportunities there were to meet other writers. I joined one organization and also arranged to meet a couple of novelists one-on-one.
Take a class (IRL)
This is particularly useful when moving to a country where you don’t speak the language. When I moved to Japan, I’d signed up for Japanese classes within the month - not only did I meet other expats but it also helped me feel less isolated.
Volunteer
Depending on your time restraints, volunteering can be a great option to meet new people. There are usually lots of options too so you can make it fit your schedule.
Join the PTA (if you’re a caregiver)
School pick up and drop off are usually busy and it can be difficult to connect during those times. Instead, join the PTA and sign up to help where needed. It’s a great way to meet other parents - you also get the insider knowledge on school happenings and the connections you make can filter down to your children to help them settle into their new school as well.
Say ‘yes’
Ultimately, being in a new country is an opportunity to do things you wouldn’t normally do, so be a ‘yes’ person as much as you can.
Tips On How To Connect
So you’ve joined the organization or want to meet someone for a coffee - how do you make sure the meeting is a success? Here are a few suggestions:
Be aware of cultural norms
There are many cultural differences between meeting people in the US versus people in Japan. For example in Japan, if you’re invited to someone’s house, it’s customary to remove your shoes and take a gift for the host. In NYC, it’s rare to go to someone’s house and meetings usually happen in restaurants, bars, or coffee shops. When I lived in Dubai, I would never suggest meeting in a bar as I didn’t know if they drank alcohol. The list goes on so it’s just a case of doing a little research.
Be specific
When arranging a meeting with someone new, be specific with your time, date, and location. Don’t put the onus on the other person to do the organizing. I usually try to give two or three options if I don’t know the person’s schedule.
Choose your location carefully
I know from past experience that location can make or break a meeting. Several months ago, I was invited for a drink with a few other people but the bar was so noisy it was impossible to hear what anyone was saying. There was also a major event nearby so the traffic was terrible and many of us were late. Needless to say, the gathering was a bit of a flop.
Coffee first
When meeting someone for the first time, I would suggest coffee rather than lunch or dinner. It’s quicker, less expensive and if you don’t click with the person, it’s an easier exit.
Prepare
Without sounding too stalker-ish, a quick search and connect on Facebook or Linked In can make an initial meeting go more smoothly and gives you ideas of things you may have in common you can talk about.
In the same vein, I always prepare three or four open-ended questions in advance of meeting someone new. You can make them relevant to the person if you know something about them or more general, for example: Why did you move to X country? You could also talk about (neutral) current affairs such as the Olympics (I avoid politics and religion for obvious reasons). While it might sound a bit overkill, the preparation gives me confidence and I usually feel more comfortable in the setting.
Make small talk with everyone
And I mean everyone - the postman, the cashier, your neighbor, the person in the elevator, the Amazon driver, the person you see on your walk. Not everyone is comfortable meeting new people and an easy way to practice your conversation skills is to engage in low-risk scenarios. Small talk often gets a bad rap but it’s an effective way to build confidence. Not everyone will stop for a chat and you might feel like a lemon if the person simply ignores you (I have one neighbor who NEVER waves back when we see each other) but nine times out of ten, people will respond positively and after every interaction you’ll feel more confident in making the first move.
Maintaining and developing your connections
If you clicked with a person or group, here are a few ways to maintain the friendship. I should add here: be discerning with your choice of friendships - if someone never responds to you or bails on every meeting, it might not be the right time for them. It’s also crucial to manage your energy. If you’re an introvert, this is particularly important as you won’t be able to deals with lots of people - choose two or three and focus on just those.
Send a thank you message after the meeting
Whether it’s a simple What’s App message or a more formal email to the organizer of an event, the art of the thank you note is a simple but effective way of making you memorable.
Take notes
I know this sounds nerdy but you’ll likely meet many people in your new environment so for the ones you’d like to stay in touch with, it’s worth making a few notes on things they’ve said. For example, I went out for lunch with a woman I’d met a few times. She told me she was starting a new job so I made a note to send her a good luck message on the day she started. You might think something so small has no impact but remembering the details about people’s lives shows you’re a good listener.
Be the initiator
Want to meet again? Be the one to invite and arrange something. I’m often guilty of always waiting for the other person to get in touch - something I need to work on! Ultimately, it’s easy to get lost in the details of every day life but taking some time to nurture connections can pay off hugely.
Since moving to New York, here are a few of the things I’ve done to connect with my community that have been the most effective:
Became a member of a gym and attended specific classes regularly
Joined a writing organization for thriller writers and attended on their events
Volunteered for a key position in the PTA at my sons’ school
Joined and commented on local Facebook groups
Joined two book clubs.
I’d love to know in the comments:
Where do you meet new people?
What would you add to this list?