Living Abroad: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
One of the most challenging things about living abroad is not having family around to help when things get overwhelming. I’ve been reminded of this over the last couple of weeks, when every Osman came down with flu, strep, or some random virus, which is why I’m writing this from my bed dosed up on DayQuil.
It’s all minor of course; everyone will recover, the kids will go back to school, and we’ll get back into routine but not having family nearby is definitely one of the downsides of living abroad.
I started making a list of the positives and negatives of expat life and halfway through, I thought this might make a good article. So for this week’s newsletter, I’m sharing my take on the good, the bad, and the ugly of living abroad.
The Good:
Travel
Moving abroad has given me the chance to explore so many new countries. Dubai was a particularly handy place to live because of its proximity to Asia (four hours to the Maldives? Yes, please!) and now in New York, I have a whole new country to explore. (I’ve said it before, but it still boggles my mind just how vast America is.)
New experiences
I’ve had some memorable adventures living overseas, none of which would have happened if I’d stayed in England. I’ve seen Geisha in Kyoto, swam in the Ganges in India, and been up the world’s tallest tower in Dubai. In Tokyo, I’ve eaten sushi so fresh it’s practically still moving and broken bread with royalty in Abu Dhabi. Many of these things you could perhaps do on vacation, but there’s a different rhythm to it when you’re living a new culture day in, day out. There’s an element of learning as you use the experience to assimilate into your new way of life.
More confidence and independence
Broken-down jeep in the desert? Lost in the maze of small streets in Sardinia? Handbag stolen in New York? Every challenge, while scary at the time, gave me the opportunity to problem solve and with every challenge I overcame, I grew in confidence in my own abilities. Moving to a new country without your familiar support network forces you to work things out for yourself without relying on anyone else. And that’s a life skill which will pay you back ten times over.
Deep friendships
When I lived in London, I always felt a bit different from my friends, who were all pursuing graduate programs in the big smoke, buying flats, and settling down with partners. Part of me was envious but there was a bigger part of me that needed to explore beyond what I’d always known. So when I went to Tokyo and met other people who had left their home countries to live abroad, I felt like I’d found my tribe. It was the same in Dubai; people who had left their home countries to try something different.* When you find someone with a similar mindset and experience new adventures together, it can lead to incredible connections.
Career Opportunities
On one hand, many people move abroad to further their career. While this wasn’t my initial intent, I’ve had much more opportunity in my career than if I’d stayed in the UK. I will say it depends on which country you’re moving to (in New York international experience counts for very little) so choose wisely, but in general if you’re looking to expand your career horizons, moving abroad can open up a lot of possibilities. It’s also the perfect time to reinvent yourself. If anyone would have told me I’d leave marketing to become a full-time writer in Dubai, I wouldn’t have believed them!
The Bad:
Homesickness
On the first night, in every country I’ve ever moved to, I sit and cry and wonder what the hell I’ve done. The ache for the familiar can be so powerful, it’s tempting to pack up and go back home immediately but it can take a few months, sometimes a year even, to settle into a new country. It also depends on factors such as your personal resilience, language proficiency, and how much support you have with the move. It took me a long time to settle in Tokyo (if I ever really did) because the culture and language were so different. However, I had a lot of support when I was there, which helped enormously.
Guilt
I’ve missed more weddings and family events than I like to think about. I’ve missed Christmases, special wedding anniversaries, births, and deaths. I’ve not been there for friends back home and I’ve probably given my parents many sleepless nights. Thankfully, it’s become easier to stay in touch due to technology and there are more travel options for visiting than ever before but still, the guilt is real and can be painful.
Bureaucracy
Every country is different, but paperwork is usually a huge part of moving abroad. Visas, bank accounts, identification cards, driving licenses, healthcare, social security, taxes (or not), schooling, credit cards…the list goes on. In every country I've lived in, I’ve spent a huge amount of time queuing in waiting rooms to submit paperwork. The USA was the most intense. My advice - don’t take the kids, go early, and take snacks and a good book.
The Ugly:
Risk
It’s possible to have a bad experience moving overseas. Moving abroad, especially by yourself, and especially for young women, is not without risk. In the year 2000, the same year I moved to Tokyo, Lucie Blackman, a British national who was working as a hostess in Roppongi (Tokyo’s party district) went missing. Ironically, Tokyo is one of the safest cities in the world, but bad things still happen as Lucie’s case illustrated when she was found murdered a few months later. While that’s an extreme case, ultimately, you have to decide if moving is worth the risk and if it is, mitigating that risk as much as possible.
Reverse Culture Shock
It’s hard to completely integrate into a new country which sometimes leaves me in a constant state of “otherness.” Now, when I go back to the UK after having spent so much time abroad, I never feel completely English either. I’m in this sort of no-man’s land with an understanding of many cultures but not identifying one hundred percent with one.
Language Barriers
When I moved to both Tokyo and Italy, I didn’t speak those languages and it was a massive mistake on my part. I had underestimated how isolating and frustrating a language barrier can be. While I learnt the basics very quickly, I often felt disconnected. Being able to communicate is one of the most important success factors in living abroad so I would advise either learning the language or choosing a country where English is widely spoken. Mind you, you’d think the USA would be a good choice but I spend half my time arguing with my kids whether it’s chips or fries!
Despite the negatives, living abroad has been the right decision for me - it’s a huge part of my identity and in many ways the associated experiences have shaped me as a person. If you are considering a move, research and plan as much as you can and after that, stay resilient and embrace the journey.
*I’m aware I had the privilege of choice and that’s not always the case. Many people leave their home countries to provide a better quality of life for their families back home.
What have I missed? Share your experiences in the comments below.