Why I’m Taking A Break from Writing Novels
One of the most exciting times in my life (or stressful, depending on how you look at it) was between 2016 and 2019.
In just a few years, I had two children and wrote three books. Fast forward to today and just reading that sentence makes me feel exhausted.
Babies aside, producing a book a year for a publisher is a huge amount of work for any writer.
Was it the outcome I desired? Absolutely - seeing my three novels in bookshops still gives me a thrill.
Was the writing process exhilarating? Yes. Enjoyable? Debatable.
My ambitious, go-getting 37-year-old self in 2016 had the energy, motivation, and drive to achieve and produce those manuscripts, even after being up all night with a newborn (definitely not fun). My novels are fast-paced thrillers and matched my lifestyle, which was frantic, as I worked day and night to look after my kids and my business and fulfill my publishing deal.
Everything else got pushed to the side. I was high off the adrenaline, feeling like superwoman and like so many of us, saw busyness as a badge of honor.
But what happens when the books are published, the kids are in school, and the business is sold? Throw in the isolation and uncertainty of a global pandemic and that euphoric high starts to dwindle.
As a creative, it’s nerve-wracking when you don’t have the energy or even the desire to come up with new ideas.
Yet, I persevered.
I wrote another novel - it was rubbish.
I rewrote it and it was still rubbish.
Between 2020 and 2022, I wrote it two more times before I finally realized I was flogging a dead horse.
Instead of taking a break, I brainstormed more ideas for novels, two of which I developed into outlines but still, neither ‘felt’ good enough. When you’re investing six to eighteen months into a project, you need to be passionate about the idea but by this point, I was just exhausted.
At the same time, I was working on other projects such as promoting my digital writing course, writing my blog, and coaching aspiring authors, all of which I enjoyed and gave me a mental break from the self-imposed pressure of writing another book.
Even when we moved from Dubai to New York in August 2022, I persisted, in a vicious cycle of brainstorming, writing, and discarding. While being immersed in one of the most creative cities in the world (NYC) gave me a little boost, I still felt that my ideas were terrible and I struggled to find the discipline to write a novel.
The more I tried, the worse I felt.
I’d lost sight of the fact that I’d already achieved a huge amount with my fiction. But as the pressure mounted (self-imposed, I should add), I started other creative pursuits - journaling, writing short stories, articles, and essays. I was also keen on design, specifically interior design and space planning and would spend hours rearranging furniture and styling my bookshelves. I loved the variety of it all but there was always an underlying trace of guilt that I wasn’t working on a novel.
How could I call myself a novelist if I wasn’t writing a novel?
It didn’t help that I was following writers on Instagram who were producing a book a year and every time I saw their posts, I was reminded of my so-called failure.
I had many reasons for why I wasn’t writing; I’d just moved countries and needed to settle the kids into new schools; I had to get used to the US market which was so different from the British one; the psychological thriller genre was saturated and it was hard to come up with anything different, and so on.
But the real reason is that I had changed. What I’ve realized (after a lot of soul-searching and learning from others) is that it’s nothing to do with failing, it’s that the writer I was in 2016 is not the same as the writer I am today.
The opportunity to write fiction was incredible and I’m so grateful for everything it gave me. It helped develop my skills in story-telling, world-building, and character development. It allowed me to process my feelings about becoming a new mum (all three novels have strong themes of motherhood). Plus, winning a novel writing competition, being chosen by a literary agent, and securing a three-book deal gave me the confidence and validation that every writer craves.
But moving forward, I want to continue experimenting with other types of creativity (without the guilt!) whether that’s writing non-fiction, articles, or a film script - who knows? I’m also interested to learn more about self-publishing, the benefits of AI and other technologies, as well as American culture and history. I want to do these things with feelings of curiosity and passion, not guilt about what I ‘should’ be doing.
That’s not to say I won’t write another novel - it’s just not right for me in this season of life.
Instead, I’m thinking, how can I use my writing to create change? To help? To inspire?
With fiction, it was always about providing readers with escapism and excitement from the realities of life because that’s what novels had always done for me.
Now, I have a sense of wanting to face reality head-on.
What are the causes I care about and how can I support them with my writing?
How can I support and encourage others more meaningfully?
At this point, I don’t know all the answers to these questions but I am curious and excited to find out.